Applied Wisdom

Sex, Miss America and the Burka

Apparently the fact the Rima Fakih a Lebanese American won the Miss America pageant has become a controversy in the Arab world which supports the notion that a woman should wear a burka in which her whole body and face are indistinguishable.

These two positions can be explained from a religious perspective.  Miss America claims that her body is a "gift from God" and is not something to be ashamed of or hide. . The burka wearing woman is taught to conceive of her body as an instrument of temptation for man.

There is an underlying sexual component to both. There is an assumption that men are attracted to and desire women and their bodies. This is extra challenging because the human species is unique in that their sexual drive is not limited to a certain season or time of female "heat" like animals. Rather it  is possible 24/7  365 days a year. That puts added pressure to each to impose sexual standards of behavior.

In societies where there exists a hierarchical male female dominance structure (like Middle East Arab Muslims),  there is a greater likelihood that women will cover their bodies as they perceive themselves as helpless or inferior to their male counterparts.  In societies in which woman have more independence and control of their lives and destiny they feel less need to cover their bodies for protection.

In such societies the approach to monitoring sexuality is to advocate modesty.  That is a modesty in clothing as well as in sexual practice. 

Sex in almost all societies is so intimately personal to who we are as human beings, to the fact that we are created with a living soul from God as well as being formed from the dust of the earth, that restrictions are placed on where, when, how and to whom one engages in sexual activity. 

It is our challenge to attempt to live a noble and sacred life and balance our drives and respect the unique God given image of everyone.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Empathy and Forgiveness

"If you want to love, you must learn to forgive"  - Mother Theresa

While preparing a Parenting workshop I came across a concept I thought was valuable and interesting. The writer suggested that how you respond with forgiveness to your child has a major impact on their future ability to forgive others and themselves. If you are too quick to anger, or too overly critical they will develop a negative association with forgiveness.

In some cases a child may develop the ability for interpersonal forgiveness but not intrapersonal forgiveness. It means they may be quick to forigive others but not themselves.  That comes from too harsh of a standard for one's own behavior and a need to look to others to measure one's own behavior.  It needs to be balanced

It is applicable to empathy as well. Empathy is considered ne of the cornerstone tools for developing conscience and for civil society.  To feel empathy is t o care about others. It allows you to put yourself in the position of someone else and therefore, it makes it easier to forgive them.

But empathy needs to be balanced. Too much empathy for someone else, leaves no room for empathy for yourself.   I just like you should love your neighbor, it must start with love of self.

Gratitude, Religion and Spirituality

There has been a lot written in positive psychology research about the benefits of gratitude. It helps contribute to peace of mind and to greater strength to deal with adversity.

Likewise, the benefits of religious affiliation have been described.  These include the individual's connection to God which gives him solace in the face of pain and suffering, as well as the religious community which gives people the opportunity to share and connect during times of celebration as well as times of sadness and loss.

I have often wondered how does the concept of spirituality assist someone in a functional way.  What is it that a spiritual person gains from the moments of spiritual connection.? Many people you ask would say that they experience spiritual moments during prayer. It is a time they connect with God.

I have not studied nor read research studies about the phenomenon of spiritual experience but I imagine it comes close to what Jonathan Haidt describes in his book "the Happiness Hypothesis".  Haidt describes the concept of elevation as being one in which people are filled with love and trust. It is a n openness that encourages them to feel a sense of bonding.  In this case it is a bonding with a spiritual power that gives one a sense of safety, security and meaning.

I believe there are many factors that drive people to religious experience and the spiritual connection is one of the least explored psychologically.  Yet, it is certainly worth the focus, as it contributes so much value and meaning to life.

I would be very curious to hear others out there explain what their spiritual experience is like. What do you feel at that moment ?  What are you motivated to do ?  And, how does it contribute to your functioning the rest of the day ?

Lebron James and significant Life

I am a life long basketball fan. I played I coached and I follow. As a New Yorker who has been a long suffering NY Knicks fan I have taken a keen interest in the speculation and hope of Lebron signing with the NY Knicks.

As a Positive Psychologist I also take a keen interest in the meaning in life and what drives us. And I believe there is a connection between Lebron and our drives.

Ernest Becker said that on the most fundamental level "what is of paramount importance, what man really fears, is not so much extinction, but extinction (death) with insignificance".   Everyone fears being insignificant and worthless in life.

The positive reflection of that is our drive to make our life significant. That comes from accomplishment. It comes from a sense that we have made an impact in the world.  That people will remember us for what we did.

As a basketball player it means you will be remembered for what you did on the court, and not how much cash you have in the bank.  That is the challenge that Lebron faces in his momentous decision. 

Lebron is driven by the will to be remembered as one of the greatest. It is the will to be significant. That will only come with his on court accomplishments through the  championships he wins. 

I am rooting for him in his quest, I hope he is successful, and I hope he gets to do it in a Knick uniform.

Seth Godin and Arrogance

Seth Godin is one of the most heralded and brilliant online marketing experts in the world. His most recent book Linchpin was an international best seller within a month.

In his post to his blog today he wrote about the challenge of sometimes needing to be arrogant.   http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2010/05/arrogant.html

Seth is a marketing genius and a closet psychologist.  He wrote that in order to create a new "Big Idea"  you have to overcome your childhood taught reluctance to appear arrogant. If not, your "Big Idea" will be invisible to others. 

For shock value to tell people to be arrogant catches attention.  But it is an incorrect use of the word in this case.  Arrogant people are those who are always looking in social situations to position themselves as superior to others. They are always competing. They see others as threats to their self esteem and take criticism poorly and are included to get angry, nasty or aggressive with a critic.  This happens because the arrogant individual, often described as a narcissist, takes every criticism as a global condemnation of his self worth.  To tell such a person "that is a lousy idea"  would make him feel completely lousy.  And, therefore become defensive and angry.

What Godin refers to is really a self confidence to not be afraid of criticism or failure.  It means having the understanding and expectation that not only will some others be critical, but the criticism will be helpful to you.  It stems from an acceptance of the positive psychology slogan  "learn to fail or fail to learn".   It  is a sign of "authentic pride" which is based on real feedback and personal strength.

Godin is right that it is a major challenge for us to put in the hard work and put it out there for others to comment on.  But if we have humility and authentic pride in ourselves we will understand that hearing what others say about us is a key to our having an impact.

It is why I am writing this blog - and as with other bloggers, I hope I do get responses.

By Giving of ourselves we emulate God

I have a positive psychology workshop last night on "What turns you on?"  What is it that makes you feel alive, what is it that makes you come alive, and then go and do it.

In the course of the workshop I shared the comments and quotes of Tony Schwartz who defined energizing experiences as those in which we give of our selves to others and not resting too much.  

His actual quote is that "self absorption drains energy and impedes our performance.....subordinating our needs beyond our self interest, gives us purpose which is a powerful and enduring sense of energy".

In simple terms it means that giving to others, of our time and our heart and mind, and our  is an energizing experience that also gives us purpose.

In discussion with people in the audience it made me think of the the fact that God has given us life. The description in the second chapter of Genesis is that God formed Man and then breathed in him a "living soul".  God gave us life.  It was a mas a magnificent and  noble act in which God empowered us.  It was the spark which was to ignite creativity and growth in the world. 

By giving to others of  our time, emotions and thoughts we are in some ways emulating God, by giving part of our life to another.  We are energizing another life and in the process we energize ourselves.

Because unlike finite sources in the material world our life energy is infinite and subject to expansion by sharing with others.   We are able to enhance life.

It is similar to the metaphor that one candle can light a thousand other candles but not diminish itself - it shines just as brightly, just doing so with the additional light of others.

 

The Conception of a Blog

I watched the movie Julie and Jilia last week.  Aside from it being delightful and charming it inspired me to write a blog.  For some reason I had always been intimidated about doing it, but seeing the film with Julie writing freely and openly helped inspire me to put thoughts to paper.

So, I think I should start with explaining my focus. What is it that I want to write about.  Marketing messagers will advise me to find a problem that people are struggling with and write about that.  Or, come up with an effective way to help people make money.

This blog is neither of those.  It is me, Morris N. Mann, Ph.D. sharing with you my wish to help you enhance your life.. For me enhancing your life means appreciating things more, enriching your relationships, and spending as much time as you can with activities and people that touch your heart and and your soul. It is keeping in mind the meaning of life

So, since blogs are supposed to be short, I have written enough

Until nex time -  wishing you happiness and success

MM

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