Applied Wisdom

FATHERS NEED APPRECIATION TOO

In honor of Father’s Day, the NY Times ran an article “Now Dad feels as stressed out as Mom”. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/weekinreview/20parkerpope.html

The author claims that fathers are struggling just as much or even more than mothers to fulfill their responsibilities at home and in the office

Even in dual career families men remain the primary breadwinner.  When a father has the desire to spend more time with his children, work is reluctant to give him necessary time flexibility. Taking time to be with kids is discouraged and viewed as   compromising his work commitment.    

When men do contribute to child care at home, studies have found that mothers do not value their husband’s contribution enough.  

A father can  help to put children to sleep, make sandwiches for lunch, or give kids a bath. But, his wife is not likely to value that contribution as much as he does.

Therefore, men have both stresses at work and at home.

Work related stress varies between industries and choosing a corporate culture supporting fathers can be done prior to accepting a job.   

 The home stress results from the expectations related to the primary family roles.  With father as primary breadwinner, mother often assumes the role of primary caregiver.  This includes the physical and emotional care of the children and most often the upkeep of the household as well.  

Therefore, when a man helps he is entering her domain of primary responsibility. Often when he spends time caring for children  there is a sense that he is helping his wife.  Since a mother only gets short reprieves from those responsibilities she often feels her husband’s contribution is minimal, or certainly less significant than he thinks it is. 

A helpful suggestion is for father to take on primary responsibility for a period of time, with mother being out of the house. This can be at night or on a weekend.

Just as men must acknowledge their wives hard child caring work, a wife must communicate appreciation for what their husband is doing as a father.

 Jennifer Davis made the distinction between being a father and being a daddy.  Anyone can be a father she wrote, but being a daddy is something special to appreciate

I would suggest you read the beautiful essay she wrote on father’s day for a moving expression of appreciation for daddys.  http://www.jennifervdavis.com/?p=583

Why Pride in Community is Important fo Us

Sports writers in Cleveland are writing articles claiming that if Lebron James chooses to play for another NBA team in another city it will be a major blow to the psyche of the city of Cleveland.  It will reinforce the poor self image the city has of being second rate.

Can a city have a psyche and self esteem?

The psychological concept of psyche and self image is most often associated with individuals.  I prefer to describe it in positive terms as having authentic pride.   A person with authentic pride has a strong sense of their ability, based on their positive accomplishments.

In the Western world, individual pride has become an admired trait of a successful individual.  Such a person is someone who takes on challenges and succeeds, and therefore has reason to feel proud.

Too often we only experience a group collective pride during sports events, whether it is the Olympics, the World Cup or other national events we identify with our countrymen and are prroud when they are successful  and victorious. 

Eastern countries where collective experiences are more valued than individual experiences, don’t need sporting events to inspire community pride. In daily life community pride takes precedence over individual pride. People’s identity, and therefore their pride, is routinely connected to their local town, community or city. 

In our Western world where individual identity is emphasized, the affiliation with the community is considered important for its social support.  It is helpful during stressful times and enriching, when sharing and celebrating life events.

But, I believe, community affiliation can also give us a sense of pride.

As a Sephardic Syrian Jew in Brooklyn, I grew up in such a community.  Individuals who may not have had great talents or accomplishments gained a sense of pride in being a part of that community. It gave us strength to go out in the world, and take on challenges that we may not have had the confidence to do on our own.

As parents we need to be conscious of that for our children.  What community do we identify with and want our kids to identify with?

 Finding a community to be proud of helps our children gain additional confidence and pride, which ultimately helps them go out and succeed in the world.

 

FATHERS, MOTHERS AND PARENTING

“I cannot think of a need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection” Sigmund Freund

This Sunday is Father’s day across America.

It’s no surprise that having fathers around is in the best interests of children’s emotional as well as physical health.  Historical studies document that fact. Their primary, not exclusive, responsibility is different than a mother’s.

As a faithful Bible reader, I believe this model for mothers and fathers originates in the third chapter of Genesis in which   God tell s Eve in the Garden of Eden: “your  desire will be for your husband and he shall rule over you. “   

Woman’s desire for a husband is the female inclination to value monogamous heterosexual relationships more than men.  It is a reflection of a higher premium women place on human relationships, which is in the best interests of children and family.

During the past thousands of years, women were faced with the challenge of attracting males and encouraging them to maintain a monogamous relationship.  That insured greater safety and regular sustenance for the family.   Women’s greater skill in nurturing and caring for children required her to focus on that task, and have a male partner providing and protecting her and the children.

Despite the modern women’s movement belief that men and women are psychologically indistinguishable I think that the reality of caring for children and providing for the family has adjusted those roles but not changed them fundamentally. When taking responsibility for a family, just like a business or a sports team, it is important to have defined roles with primary responsibilities. 

 For a woman to maximize her potential in the role of nurturing parent she is dependent on a supportive male.  Without adequate male support the emotional security and physical sustenance are weakened and stresses increase.

For a male to embrace the role of father, and not just provider, takes an investment of time and a lot of learning.  Some tips include: spending positive quality  time with your children;  disciplining with love;   being  a positive role model;  be a teacher;  listen before you speak;  and make time to eat as a family.   

The best father is one with a loving relationship with his wife.  And children thrive when mother and father respect and value each other’s importance as parents.

Coach Wooden: Lessons in Being a Great Man

 
I am awed by men of great accomplishment, despite which, live their lives with humility and respect for their fellow man. Highly successful and accomplished men, often have a tendency towards self importance, self entitlement and a desire  for elevated status. To be accomplished yet humble is the highest form of human nobility.  In reading the stories about Coach John Wooden after his recent death, it is apparent that he was such a man.

 

I have always had a great love of basketball. I remember as a youngster, having cousin on a UCLA sports team, which naturally resulted in my becoming a fan of the UCLA bruin basketball team.. It didn’t hurt that they were so successful.

 

As UCLA coach, John Wooden, accomplished what had never been done before, and is not expected to be replicated.  He won 10 national championships in 12 years, 88 games in a row, and 40 in a row in the NCAA tourney.

Yet despite all that success, the messages written about him and the comments said about him by his former players, are all about the important simple lessons he taught about life,  not as one may have thought, about basketball glory. Quotes attributed to him include: Never score without acknowledging a teammate;  Failure to prepare is preparing to fail;  You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes and lastly What you are as a person is far more important than what you are as a basketball player” .  Additional quotes can be found at www.coachwooden.com.

NBA great, Abdul-Jabbar, said in a statement released through UCLA. “He was more like a parent than a coach. He really was a very selfless and giving human being”

Present NBA coach, Paul Westphal said “The most foul-mouthed, hard-living, coaches in college basketball go listen to him speak, and to a man they'd all come out and say, ‘Man, I've GOT to find a way to be a better person.'"

I remember hearing Benjy Levine, the grandson of Rabbi Aryeh Levine say such similar complementary things about his grandfather. He said: My grandfather, Rabbi Aryeh Levine was considered a  very righteous man and was called a Tzaddik.  Benjy explained that his righteousness was defined by his impact on people.  He  inspired people to try and become better human beings. He made me want to be a better man, is what they would often say after meeting him.

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That is the sign of a great man and a noble  life!  It is to have great achievements and the  humility to put it in perspective of all life.

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are,” John Wooden.

 

 

Koufax, Heroes and Standing Up

Sandy Koufax got a lot of media coverage for his participation in the  White House Jewish heritage month celebration.  It made me consider how one defining moment in your life can make you into a hero.  For Koufax, at the pinnacle of his baseball pitching career, it happened when he excused himself from play, in the first game of the World Series, because the game was scheduled on the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur.

He is not a hero in the classic sense, putting oneself in danger to save another. Rather he is a hero because he took a stand for his religious beliefs and principles.   It was heralded and noteworthy because even though he was one of the greatest sports figures of his day,  missing the game could have had a negative impact on both himself and his team. 

Standing up for what you believe implies that it comes with a cost.

 It is most often recognized in famous political and religious leaders.  Examples of such ethical giants are Eli Wiesel, Natan Sharansky, Rev Martin Luther King, Vaclev Havel and Gandhi; all spoke up for what they believed was right, no matter what the personal consequences.

It is easier for us to identify with Koufax than with those ethical giants.  Koufax was not a public figure because of his values.  His stand was a private piece of who he was and how he defined himself.

That is what happened with the adopted parents of Michael Oher in the movie Blind Side.  His adopted mother, Leigh Anne Touhey, was an open minded compassionate southern Baptist woman who withstood friends mocking her efforts at adopting a poor, uneducated black boy.  Leigh Anne did not do it for public recognition or to be highlighted in a movie, rather she did it  because that is who she is and that is how she believes one must lead one’s life whatever the consequences. Public recognition came later.

Our challenge is to identify what values we hold dear and for which we are willing to make our stand. For what or when did we  stand up without fear of ridicule or without concern for financial loss?. It is those moments that define us.

It can be when we adopt a foster child, challenge prejudice  at school or workplace, reach out to a stranger or defend an unpopular position in the audience of friends.  Try to think of the last time you stood up for something.

“Stand up for what you believe in even if you are standing alone”.  Anonymous