Why is Change So Difficult ?

“Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle”   Martin Luther King

People who come to me for help, often ask how long will it take? On the one hand this is a legitimate question, because a person coming for help, with a specific problem, is usually not interested in being in therapy for years.  What I think they are really asking me is “why can’t you just tell me what to do during this first session and, I’ll do exactly what you say?” 

I answer these clients by telling them that achieving real meaningful change is a process, and that process takes time. It is like any permanent change you want to make in life; whether you are going to a gym with a personal trainer, or starting a new diet with a dietician. The professional may be able to give you some advice during the first meeting, but to change habits and see a real impact you have to work over time. It takes at least 3 months to see any real change, and for lasting impact, probably much longer than that.

So why can’t change be instantaneous?

The answer lies in the two psychological processing systems that help us through everyday life:   One is can be called the automatic system and the other can be called our conscious system. .  

The automatic system takes care of most everything we do, by quickly processing familiar routines in a highly efficient manner.  In essence it makes crucial links and associations with information we have already learned and know, and allows us to function effortlessly and almost mindlessly.  As an example, just think of your daily morning routine:  You don’t need to put much thought into how to tie your shoes, how to cook your egg for breakfast or even how to drive to work.  You do these things, and many others, automatically or mindlessly.

Your conscious processing on the other hand, with a lot of effort, focuses in depth on only one thing at a time and. That effort is necessary because, we need and use it to help us manage unfamiliar and challenging situations.  Our conscious thought can plan, reason and in other ways, figure out sensible answers to help us deal with the unknown.  But this conscious system takes up so much of our energy and focus, that we can do only one thing at a time. So while it is flexible in adapting to change, it is not very efficient, as it needs constant heightened attention.

An example of how these two processing capacities function can be understood by thinking of how we write on a keyboard.  If you have learned to type, it is your autonomic system that is gliding your fingers through the keyboard. If though the sequence of letters was changed, you would have to switch to using your conscious processing to type.   With your conscious processing taking over, you could again successfully type but only with extreme effort and concentration, and even then probably at a greatly reduced speed.   It is only after long practice that you become adept at gliding over the keyboard, and allowing your effortless efficient automatic system to take over. .

These same two systems apply to changing habits and emotional behavior. Our responses to the stress of performance, to disappointments or to large social gatherings, are ingrained in our automatic system. We have automatic responses and if we want to change them it takes a serious, time consuming, conscious effort.  Until you have mastered a new way of reacting you are likely to fall back to the old automatic systems bad habit. 

While this understanding of the nature of change is relevant for work and expectations in therapy, it is also an important lesson to keep in mind as a parent or a manager. Do not expect your children, your business direct reports or your team members to “listen to you” and change their habits immediately.  You need to be consistent and repeat the message over and over again, while at the same time making them accountable in some way. That will help you see real long term change.