Applied Wisdom

WHAT DEFINES US ?

 

It is the tough decisions that define who we are.

 Who we are is the example we set for our children and those that look up to us.

 The following is an excellent Jerusalem Post article about such a dilemma written by one of the editors.

 http://www.jpost.com/Opinion/Columnists/Article.aspx?id=240974

What was the last tough decision you made?

 

Dr Mann is a Clinical Psychologist and Business & Personal Coach, who helps young adult males,  parents,  and adults in mid-life achieve positive goals.  www.morrismann.com

Are you more flocused on promotion or prevention?

Do you think you are focused more on what you have to gain or what you have to lose?

One approach is called in psychological literature “promotion focus” and the other is called “prevention focus”.

With a promotion focus goals are thought about in terms of achievement and accomplishment. They are about doing something you would ideally like to do. They are about maximizing gains and avoiding missed opportunities.

On the other hand, prevention focuses on goals are thought about in terms of safety and danger. They are about fulfilling responsibilities. These people are minimizing losses. One group may give up too soon and the other may not know when to quit.

If you are a parent (or a CEO) this also effects how you deal with your children or employees.

If you are promotion oriented when they do something right they are rewarded with praise and being ignored when they don’t do what they should

  On the other hand, if you have a prevention attitude you will likely punish for doing something wrong.  The reward for doing something right is NOT punishing them.

It seems like aa simple vignette regarding a child’s report card helps to concretize it.  A promotion type parent will give a lot of praise and reward for an A, and will pay little attention to the C.  A preventive parent will criticize and spend a lot of time dealing with the C and will ignore or give minimal attention to an A.

No one is completely one or the other – but think about your tendency. Are you more prone to promotion or prevention? Are you more focused on success or preventing failure?

 What is the advantage and disadvantage for you and your employees or children?

Do you think you are focused more on what you have to gain or what you have to lose?

 

Father's Challenges in the 21st Century

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PSYCHOLOGY

 

CHALLENGES for 21^st CENTURY FATHERS

 

Morris Mann - Family and Parenting Coach

Jan 21, 2011

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For decades the debate about balancing work and family life has been framed as an issue for women. The women’s liberation movement fought to give work and professional career opportunities for women alongside men.  The success of that effort has since given women the challenge of figuring out how to successfully balance work and family life. Now, it is an option.

Yet a recent study about fathers by psychologists at Boston College has revealed that fathers are struggling just as much or even more than mothers, to try and balance work and family.

For thousands of years, family life was determined by women’s ability to encourage a man to maintain a monogamous relationship. A woman’s commitment to the role of mother meant she was fully absorbed in the time consuming needs of caretaking of the children and running the household.  Having a dedicated adult male in the family as a father insured safety and regular sustenance to a mother and her children.   

Thus the traditional family was established with clearly defined roles for mother and father. 

That historic “traditional family” is now a rarity. In the USA, the number of “traditional families” has dipped to just fewer than 21%.  It has been replaced by ‘dual career couples and single parents.  It is women’s success in academia and corporate life that has contributed to creating these dual career family households.

Economic necessity is another factor contributing to dual career families.  Couples have decided that in order to maintain their preferred life style they need more than one parent to work and bring in income.

Men’s place in the world of work has been clear for centuries. The position of father and breadwinner were seen as virtually synonymous. Even in dual career families, often after the child/children are born, women continue working, but on a part time basis. It is men who remain primary source of family income – the breadwinners.

A father in a dual career family is now met with greater expectations regarding their role not just as breadwinners, but often as full partners in parenting.  Women feel that if they are working both in and out of the home, men need to “pull their weight” similarly. This poses a major challenge, as the workplace is not so accommodating to men taking off time for their parental role.

Employers have not embraced the concept of men sacrificing work time for family responsibilities. Work norms, still reward on the basis of showing commitment to the organization by working continuous long hours.  When a father has the desire to spend time with his children, employers are reluctant to be flexible.  A father taking time to be with his kids is often viewed as compromising his work commitment.    

The pressure fathers often feel at work is reflected in the words of one of the fathers from the Boston College study:

 “It has been somewhat frustrating to me the lack of appreciation for my con­tributions in my role [as a father].… I think there’s an assumption that when I go home I’m not doing as much. That I have more time to focus on work, because there is just a natural inclination to believe that my wife does the bulk of the work at home..

The pressure fathers feel is also internal.  Their identity is tied up with their work.  Men identify themselves by their accomplishments and financial success, which contribute to attain significant social status.   They are likely to determine their self-worth by measuring the size of their financial net worth.

This makes prioritizing the role of father over work success, difficult and challenging.  I have worked with CEO’s who travel internationally to achieve business success, yet their role as father poses one of their biggest challenges. The dilemma of when to take off and be with their children is evident whether they own their own business, are in a family business or work as professionals.

Lastly men are often subject to stress generated at home. When the woman assumes the role of mother  she is “in charge” regarding both caregiving and the running of the household. .  Thus, when  the man helps out, he is entering his wife’s domain of primary responsibility. As a result when he spends time caring for children, the experience is more likely to be that he is helping his wife, than taking a joint primary role in the parenting of the children. 

Since this help, usually only offers the mother a short reprieve from her responsibilities, she may unwittingly minimize her husband’s contribution.

 For example, a father may help to put the children to sleep, make sandwiches for lunch, and or give kids a bath. But, his wife is not likely to value that contribution as much as he does because she still feels the weight of her caretaking responsibility. The focus of the work becomes  giving the wife/mother a break from her chores as opposed to spending quality time with the kids.

What are some successful strategies for fathers to deal with these challenges?

As with many aspects of marital relationships communication is a key to helping resolve stress.  On a basic level, fathers should ask what is most helpful and mothers should show appreciation for that help, acknowledging that it is both helping her and positive paternal involvement. .

A major challenge for a father is to begin to view their own identity and self-worth as coming as much from family life as it does from accomplishments and success at work.   When asked ‘what it is that you do’, a father should develop the habit of acknowledging that you he sees himself  as a father and, not only as lawyer, investment banker or CEO. 

I heard a  good example of identifying the role of father  from  a friend of mine. He  taught school age children in South America and he told me how he successfully  got that message across to parents. . He had a child in his class who was the son of the Minister of Interior of Chile - a man of considerable public stature and political power. To focus the minister on his father role, every time my friend met the minister, he would greet him: “Hi, father of Ernesto!”

Dr Mann is a Clinical Psychologist and Certified Coach, who helps young adult males, adults in transition, and business executives achieve positive goals.  Morris.mann@gmail.com

 

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(c) 2011  Morris Mann

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Why is Change So Difficult ?

“Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle”   Martin Luther King

People who come to me for help, often ask how long will it take? On the one hand this is a legitimate question, because a person coming for help, with a specific problem, is usually not interested in being in therapy for years.  What I think they are really asking me is “why can’t you just tell me what to do during this first session and, I’ll do exactly what you say?” 

I answer these clients by telling them that achieving real meaningful change is a process, and that process takes time. It is like any permanent change you want to make in life; whether you are going to a gym with a personal trainer, or starting a new diet with a dietician. The professional may be able to give you some advice during the first meeting, but to change habits and see a real impact you have to work over time. It takes at least 3 months to see any real change, and for lasting impact, probably much longer than that.

So why can’t change be instantaneous?

The answer lies in the two psychological processing systems that help us through everyday life:   One is can be called the automatic system and the other can be called our conscious system. .  

The automatic system takes care of most everything we do, by quickly processing familiar routines in a highly efficient manner.  In essence it makes crucial links and associations with information we have already learned and know, and allows us to function effortlessly and almost mindlessly.  As an example, just think of your daily morning routine:  You don’t need to put much thought into how to tie your shoes, how to cook your egg for breakfast or even how to drive to work.  You do these things, and many others, automatically or mindlessly.

Your conscious processing on the other hand, with a lot of effort, focuses in depth on only one thing at a time and. That effort is necessary because, we need and use it to help us manage unfamiliar and challenging situations.  Our conscious thought can plan, reason and in other ways, figure out sensible answers to help us deal with the unknown.  But this conscious system takes up so much of our energy and focus, that we can do only one thing at a time. So while it is flexible in adapting to change, it is not very efficient, as it needs constant heightened attention.

An example of how these two processing capacities function can be understood by thinking of how we write on a keyboard.  If you have learned to type, it is your autonomic system that is gliding your fingers through the keyboard. If though the sequence of letters was changed, you would have to switch to using your conscious processing to type.   With your conscious processing taking over, you could again successfully type but only with extreme effort and concentration, and even then probably at a greatly reduced speed.   It is only after long practice that you become adept at gliding over the keyboard, and allowing your effortless efficient automatic system to take over. .

These same two systems apply to changing habits and emotional behavior. Our responses to the stress of performance, to disappointments or to large social gatherings, are ingrained in our automatic system. We have automatic responses and if we want to change them it takes a serious, time consuming, conscious effort.  Until you have mastered a new way of reacting you are likely to fall back to the old automatic systems bad habit. 

While this understanding of the nature of change is relevant for work and expectations in therapy, it is also an important lesson to keep in mind as a parent or a manager. Do not expect your children, your business direct reports or your team members to “listen to you” and change their habits immediately.  You need to be consistent and repeat the message over and over again, while at the same time making them accountable in some way. That will help you see real long term change. 

 

 

Developing Compassion

I have wondered in a prior blog about whether compassion and goodness came naturally to people?

Scientists have been able to identify biological and neurological, repression of compassion. Researchers have demonstrated that the brain region related to positive emotions is stimulated when mothers look at pictures of their babies.

In another study people’s brain activity was measured when they were helping others and found that the anterior brain areas that are stimulated during pleasurable activities are stimulated when we were helping others.

Other researchers found that the hormone oxytocin is secreted during experiences that elicit compassion or bonding. Examples of this are: by mothers during breast feeding and when watching inspiring movie.

Feeling compassion is one thing, but acting on it is altogether something else. Does compassion promote altruistic behavior?

D Keltner, editor  of the Greater Good magazine,  claims that high levels of empathy and compassion do contribute to altruistic behavior.   A simple example: since babies often elicit compassionate responses, people are more likely to return a lost wallet if there is a picture of a baby in it than if not.

That may be true of those people with high levels of compassion, but how do we develop it?

The Bible has taught us that man is not inherently good. In the Biblical story of Noah God makes a covenant with man based on the fact that man is ruled by his s evil inclination. If this biblical wisdom teaches us that man has an inclination to s selfishness and greed which can lead evil acts, then we need to know how to develop compassion.

Keltner suggests that parents can make a difference.  Parents can develop empathy by making sure their children think about the consequences of their actions and how those actions may impact other people. 

 This type of parenting helps develop an appreciation of other people’s feelings and a willingness to correct a wrong and over time lead to more altruistic behavior.

 

SUCCESS DEPENDS ON YOUR MINDSET

“Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration!”  Thomas Edison

 

All of us are familiar with this famous quote.  We know we have to work hard to achieve success. But what can help motivate us to work hard?

 

Carol Dweck claims the answer is having the right mindset. In her book “Mindset – The Psychology of Success” she explained that there are two types of people: those with a ‘fixed mindset’ and those with a ‘growth mindset’.

 

People with a “fixed mindset” believe that their talents and abilities are fixed traits. They have a certain amount and nothing can be done to change it. When people adopt the fixed mindset, it can limit their success. They become over-concerned with proving their talents and abilities, hiding deficiencies, and reacting defensively to mistakes

People with a “growth mindset” believe that their talents and abilities can be developed. It's about taking informed risks and learning from the results, surrounding themselves with people who are able to challenge them to grow, and looking at their deficiencies and seeking to remedy them.

 

Dweck has also found that managers with a growth mindset believe in other people's growth too. These managers promote and recognize improvement in their team. On the other hand, managers with a fixed mindset do not believe people can change significantly and say to themselves “what's the use in coaching employees - they either have it or they don't.” It would seem true that  such attitudes neither benefits the mangers or those they manage.

Having a growth mindset helps all of us working with people, whether as parents, teachers, coaches or managers. 

 

Peter Heslin has developed workshops that effectively help people learn how to change their mindset. It starts with showing them scientific evidence of brain change and growth and then trains people with the use of effective exercises.  The exercises are mentioned in the following interview and you can try them and test their effectiveness.

http://www.managementsite.com/501/Interview-Personal-effectiveness-The-growth-mindset.aspx

If you aim for success make sure to develop your growth mindset, it will help you and those you work with.

 

 

Parenting Challenges and the Internet

This post reflects some of the topics that came up at parenting workshop I gave.

The most effective parents are those who see themselves as the primary educators of their children. But it is becoming more challenging for parents to do that successfully.

Thirty years ago, Neil Postman explained how electronic media was changing the nature of education for children. By passing on information visually rather than through written word, it was causing a breakdown of barriers between children and adults. In his book “The Disappearance of Childhood”, he explained how television and movies were reducing, and in some cases eliminating, the need for reading and standardized learning formats.

The internet and You Tube today has made that argument even more powerful.  Children can learn about the world instantaneously.   Whether you want to learn how to bake or how  to fly an airplane, it can be accessed on you tube.   Check it out yourself.

The internet, YouTube, twitter and Face book have become part of our children’s culture and knowledge base of information.   There is little we can teach our children that they cannot access on Wikipedia or through Google on the net.

That makes being an educator parent difficult.   Also getting in the way of our role as educators is the rapid pace of technological advancement. Our children are much more aware and familiar with every new device and application that comes to market.   It makes them into experts in areas their parents are not. 

One way of combating this parenting challenge is to focus our educational efforts into teaching our children values and ethics about how to lead their lives.   It is a focus on teaching them to be better people.  It means educating for a life of spiritual commitment and values of generosity, empathy, self sacrifice and responsibility for greater good. .

The first step to this education is to remember we are primary role models.

In addition, it has been proven that having a family meal on a daily basis has a powerful positive impact.  It is during such a meal, in which phones and all print and electronic media are turned off, that parents and children can connect and listen to each other.  It is during such a meal that as parents we impart lessons about values, ethics and  commitment in a supportive and non-judgmental manner.

 

 

FATHERS NEED APPRECIATION TOO

In honor of Father’s Day, the NY Times ran an article “Now Dad feels as stressed out as Mom”. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/weekinreview/20parkerpope.html

The author claims that fathers are struggling just as much or even more than mothers to fulfill their responsibilities at home and in the office

Even in dual career families men remain the primary breadwinner.  When a father has the desire to spend more time with his children, work is reluctant to give him necessary time flexibility. Taking time to be with kids is discouraged and viewed as   compromising his work commitment.    

When men do contribute to child care at home, studies have found that mothers do not value their husband’s contribution enough.  

A father can  help to put children to sleep, make sandwiches for lunch, or give kids a bath. But, his wife is not likely to value that contribution as much as he does.

Therefore, men have both stresses at work and at home.

Work related stress varies between industries and choosing a corporate culture supporting fathers can be done prior to accepting a job.   

 The home stress results from the expectations related to the primary family roles.  With father as primary breadwinner, mother often assumes the role of primary caregiver.  This includes the physical and emotional care of the children and most often the upkeep of the household as well.  

Therefore, when a man helps he is entering her domain of primary responsibility. Often when he spends time caring for children  there is a sense that he is helping his wife.  Since a mother only gets short reprieves from those responsibilities she often feels her husband’s contribution is minimal, or certainly less significant than he thinks it is. 

A helpful suggestion is for father to take on primary responsibility for a period of time, with mother being out of the house. This can be at night or on a weekend.

Just as men must acknowledge their wives hard child caring work, a wife must communicate appreciation for what their husband is doing as a father.

 Jennifer Davis made the distinction between being a father and being a daddy.  Anyone can be a father she wrote, but being a daddy is something special to appreciate

I would suggest you read the beautiful essay she wrote on father’s day for a moving expression of appreciation for daddys.  http://www.jennifervdavis.com/?p=583

Why Pride in Community is Important fo Us

Sports writers in Cleveland are writing articles claiming that if Lebron James chooses to play for another NBA team in another city it will be a major blow to the psyche of the city of Cleveland.  It will reinforce the poor self image the city has of being second rate.

Can a city have a psyche and self esteem?

The psychological concept of psyche and self image is most often associated with individuals.  I prefer to describe it in positive terms as having authentic pride.   A person with authentic pride has a strong sense of their ability, based on their positive accomplishments.

In the Western world, individual pride has become an admired trait of a successful individual.  Such a person is someone who takes on challenges and succeeds, and therefore has reason to feel proud.

Too often we only experience a group collective pride during sports events, whether it is the Olympics, the World Cup or other national events we identify with our countrymen and are prroud when they are successful  and victorious. 

Eastern countries where collective experiences are more valued than individual experiences, don’t need sporting events to inspire community pride. In daily life community pride takes precedence over individual pride. People’s identity, and therefore their pride, is routinely connected to their local town, community or city. 

In our Western world where individual identity is emphasized, the affiliation with the community is considered important for its social support.  It is helpful during stressful times and enriching, when sharing and celebrating life events.

But, I believe, community affiliation can also give us a sense of pride.

As a Sephardic Syrian Jew in Brooklyn, I grew up in such a community.  Individuals who may not have had great talents or accomplishments gained a sense of pride in being a part of that community. It gave us strength to go out in the world, and take on challenges that we may not have had the confidence to do on our own.

As parents we need to be conscious of that for our children.  What community do we identify with and want our kids to identify with?

 Finding a community to be proud of helps our children gain additional confidence and pride, which ultimately helps them go out and succeed in the world.