Applied Wisdom

"Be A Man"

Being a man means you have to earn respect from others by proving yourself. 

The standards descriptions of male ego to reach such achievments are men being competitive, assertive, confident and even cocky.

But the question is whether the changing culture to encourage men to be more "in touch with their emotions" will influence men's choices and priorities. Will men care less about honor and respect earned though accomplishment and long hours of dedication?  

In the past men wereconsidered to be  out of touch with emotions. In today's world they are encouraged to be in touch and that often means paying attention to personal needs.  But does that undermine male willingness to take risks and compete with others for the benefit of greater society?

To do the dirty dangerous and challenging jobs men  need to put feelings aside and focus on the task at hand.  Personal emotional fulfillment takes a back seat to the man’s drive for public honor and respect.

 Will a talented man not subject himself to the grueling task of ruling a country, dedicating long hours in a lab to discover new medications, or travel for long periods overseas in the service of his country?

 

Are you more flocused on promotion or prevention?

Do you think you are focused more on what you have to gain or what you have to lose?

One approach is called in psychological literature “promotion focus” and the other is called “prevention focus”.

With a promotion focus goals are thought about in terms of achievement and accomplishment. They are about doing something you would ideally like to do. They are about maximizing gains and avoiding missed opportunities.

On the other hand, prevention focuses on goals are thought about in terms of safety and danger. They are about fulfilling responsibilities. These people are minimizing losses. One group may give up too soon and the other may not know when to quit.

If you are a parent (or a CEO) this also effects how you deal with your children or employees.

If you are promotion oriented when they do something right they are rewarded with praise and being ignored when they don’t do what they should

  On the other hand, if you have a prevention attitude you will likely punish for doing something wrong.  The reward for doing something right is NOT punishing them.

It seems like aa simple vignette regarding a child’s report card helps to concretize it.  A promotion type parent will give a lot of praise and reward for an A, and will pay little attention to the C.  A preventive parent will criticize and spend a lot of time dealing with the C and will ignore or give minimal attention to an A.

No one is completely one or the other – but think about your tendency. Are you more prone to promotion or prevention? Are you more focused on success or preventing failure?

 What is the advantage and disadvantage for you and your employees or children?

Do you think you are focused more on what you have to gain or what you have to lose?

 

BEAUTY - A Quote from Leaon Kass

In his book on the Dignity of Man, Leon Kass, a famous bioethical philospher thinker wrote the followingwords of wisdom  about beauty.

"...only a mortal being, aware of his mortality, and the transience and vvulnerability of all natural things, is moved to make beautiful artifacts , objects that will last, objects that will be immune to decay as their maker is not..."

DEATH and LIFE SIGNIFICANCE

Ernest Becker wrote "What is of paramount importance, what man really fears is not so much extinction but extinction with insignificance"

Often we find significance in our connection to generations of family. Some African cultures have two words for dead. One is simply dead, while the other means "really dead".  In the first instance the person has died, but there are those still alive who remember her. The second meaning is ta the person has been lost to living memory.

You may live as long as your grandchildren remember.   What if there are no grandchhildren or if now the grandchildren have grandchildren?  When there is no one to remember you, have you finally come to an end?

Let us use such wisdom to lead a life of meaning, purpose and significance.

Ethics and Values

"Ethics and what we care about are not by any means the same thing. ...Ethics are the rules yoou apply to get what you care about. What you care about - your values - is more basic than ethics."  -  Martin Seligman "Flourish".

Ethics are the standards we learn or think about. What we care about, our values, is how we live and what we do. 

The bottom line is that what we do is more important than what we think.  Using one to get to the other is applied wisdom.

Tap Into the Drives of People and Motivate Them

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PSYCHOLOGY

 

DON’T  USE REWARD AND PUNISHMENT FOR LONG TERM SUCCESS

 

A Jerusalem Post Column

Feb 4, 2011

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  “Rewards and punishment are the lowest forms of education” – Chinese philosopher

It has been accepted that the most effective way to motivate people in business is to use money. Reward by paying more and punish by limiting pay. In everyday language this is the carrot and stick method of motivation.  It is a method of using an external measure (money) as the key to motivation.

 This method is promoted by B.F. Skinner.  His behaviorist approach to dealing with people supported motivating people through rewards and punishments.  His premise is to dangle a bigger carrot to encourage the preferred behavior.  In essence, Skinner’s approach promotes treating people as no different than our domesticated dogs or horses. 

For those of us who do believe there is a distinction between animals and humans, psychological research has brought us redemption.  This research shows that the benefits of motivation by reward and punishment are limited. 

In fact, psychologist Edmund Deci has shown that rewarding achievement, while beneficial in the short term may actually be detrimental in the long term.

Deci created an experiment in which two groups had to configure assorted cubes into different complicated designs. During each session, he took time out and observed the groups through a window, seeing if they would continue to try to solve the puzzle.  He repeated the session three times, each with slightly different conditions.  .

During the first session Group A and Group B were both treated equally. During the second session, Group A was given the incentive of receiving money for every design they complete correctly.  For the third session, Group A was told that no additional funds were available and they were not being paid to complete the puzzle designs.

The result for Group A was that they were significantly less motivated during the third session when they were not paid than they were in the second session.   Group B, which never received a monetary reward, slowly improved their performance and showed increased interest in the challenge.

Deci completed two other similar experiments, with the same results. He interpreted this as indicating that money can offer a short term boost in performance but the effect wears off. In fact it can even reduce a person’s longer term motivation to continue.

Another limitation of monetary reward is that it can limit creativity.  People become so focused and stressed to attain the reward that their “creative juices” can be limited

Rewarding with money does have some applications.  Money can be effective for routine tasks that are completed with minor changes throughout the day.    This is also the case for a task that needs to be repeated often in order to meet a deadline.  Business examples are: finishing and processing of paperwork, shipping out orders, or completing telemarketing calls within a time frame.

An alternative to relying on money for motivation is to focus on people’s internal motivation.  It means offering people the chance to do what interests them. The work of psychologist Deci also showed that people can be motivated by the challenge of a task.  When people are motivated in such a way they think and work more independently and creatively.   

The author Daniel Pink wrote two books that emphasize the importance of just such internal motivation in our present work environments -The Whole New Mind and Drive.

He concludes that in our new world of global commerce, companies are required to tap into the internal drives of their employees because it can inspire their creativity.  And creativity is a necessary component for business success.

Pink highlights that in today’s world markets are becoming more accessible to competition from companies all over the world. As a result companies need to be more innovative and “cutting edge” to compete.  Any simple uncreative jobs will be outsourced to an undeveloped third world country.  

Therefore business needs to tap into creative energy in order to develop the new products and services necessary for survival and growth. .   This need for innovation applies to all companies whether service industries, energy, pharmaceutical or hi tech

Pink’s examples of internal motivation are Wikipedia and Firefox.  These are two “volunteer” business projects motivated by people’s personal motivation. And these companies beat out Microsoft, a money and profit driven business.    

 These companies were started by nonemployees who found their reward in the challenge and accomplishment, not in money. It was due to internal motivation.  Tapping into people’s internal motivation is not restricted to internet technology business.

Internal motivation is based on three primary motivating drives - for autonomy, for mastery and for purpose. These are drives that are distinctly human and unique for each individual.  Therefore they are more challenging to identify and tap into, but they are also more inspirational.  

Autonomy as applied to work is the capacity for self-direction and the freedom to do challenging work.  It effects what we do, when we do it, how we do it and with whom we do it.  It is having choice at work over your task, time, methods and people you work with.   In most cases it is hard to design, but can be more valuable than a pay raise. 

Mastery is the drive to get better and better at something that matters to you.   It is almost as if the performance of the task is its own reward.  It means you are so absorbed in the task performance that you are willing to put in endless time and effort to excel. 

Purpose is when you are committed to achieve something in service of people or a goal beyond one’s self interest.

Taking advantage of this understanding of motivation and implementing it can be a big challenge. There is no simple solution like giving a bigger financial reward.   It requires personal attention to each employee as an individual.  This has led to the growth of effective Executive coaching. Such coaching helps business executives apply motivational principles to key employees in their organizations.

The Gallup organization, which studied multinational companies, came up with an effective method which they called “Employee Engagement”.  They developed this into a measurable index and then built a system to coach business leaders in its use. The system includes some of the following principles: 

• Letting employees know their opinion counts and encourage their input
• Making sure goals are clear and known  and giving employees them the freedom in “how” to achieve them
• Creating a learning environment, with opportunity for growth and challenge
• Learning how to give effective personal attention.

As quoted by Gallup, “when human drives and needs are met, the positive emotions that result encourage employees to care about the overall welfare of the business. And more importantly, it’s hard to create passionate, engaged customers without passionate engaged employees.”

It is just as important for those of us who work independently to feel accomplishment and engagement.  Check yourself to make sure you are tapping into your own internal motivation and creative energy.  Your ability to develop customers and clients depends on it.

Dr Mann is a Psychologist and Authentic Happiness  Coach who helps adults identify strengths, create a vision for the future and achieve positive goals.

 

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Father's Challenges in the 21st Century

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PSYCHOLOGY

 

CHALLENGES for 21^st CENTURY FATHERS

 

Morris Mann - Family and Parenting Coach

Jan 21, 2011

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For decades the debate about balancing work and family life has been framed as an issue for women. The women’s liberation movement fought to give work and professional career opportunities for women alongside men.  The success of that effort has since given women the challenge of figuring out how to successfully balance work and family life. Now, it is an option.

Yet a recent study about fathers by psychologists at Boston College has revealed that fathers are struggling just as much or even more than mothers, to try and balance work and family.

For thousands of years, family life was determined by women’s ability to encourage a man to maintain a monogamous relationship. A woman’s commitment to the role of mother meant she was fully absorbed in the time consuming needs of caretaking of the children and running the household.  Having a dedicated adult male in the family as a father insured safety and regular sustenance to a mother and her children.   

Thus the traditional family was established with clearly defined roles for mother and father. 

That historic “traditional family” is now a rarity. In the USA, the number of “traditional families” has dipped to just fewer than 21%.  It has been replaced by ‘dual career couples and single parents.  It is women’s success in academia and corporate life that has contributed to creating these dual career family households.

Economic necessity is another factor contributing to dual career families.  Couples have decided that in order to maintain their preferred life style they need more than one parent to work and bring in income.

Men’s place in the world of work has been clear for centuries. The position of father and breadwinner were seen as virtually synonymous. Even in dual career families, often after the child/children are born, women continue working, but on a part time basis. It is men who remain primary source of family income – the breadwinners.

A father in a dual career family is now met with greater expectations regarding their role not just as breadwinners, but often as full partners in parenting.  Women feel that if they are working both in and out of the home, men need to “pull their weight” similarly. This poses a major challenge, as the workplace is not so accommodating to men taking off time for their parental role.

Employers have not embraced the concept of men sacrificing work time for family responsibilities. Work norms, still reward on the basis of showing commitment to the organization by working continuous long hours.  When a father has the desire to spend time with his children, employers are reluctant to be flexible.  A father taking time to be with his kids is often viewed as compromising his work commitment.    

The pressure fathers often feel at work is reflected in the words of one of the fathers from the Boston College study:

 “It has been somewhat frustrating to me the lack of appreciation for my con­tributions in my role [as a father].… I think there’s an assumption that when I go home I’m not doing as much. That I have more time to focus on work, because there is just a natural inclination to believe that my wife does the bulk of the work at home..

The pressure fathers feel is also internal.  Their identity is tied up with their work.  Men identify themselves by their accomplishments and financial success, which contribute to attain significant social status.   They are likely to determine their self-worth by measuring the size of their financial net worth.

This makes prioritizing the role of father over work success, difficult and challenging.  I have worked with CEO’s who travel internationally to achieve business success, yet their role as father poses one of their biggest challenges. The dilemma of when to take off and be with their children is evident whether they own their own business, are in a family business or work as professionals.

Lastly men are often subject to stress generated at home. When the woman assumes the role of mother  she is “in charge” regarding both caregiving and the running of the household. .  Thus, when  the man helps out, he is entering his wife’s domain of primary responsibility. As a result when he spends time caring for children, the experience is more likely to be that he is helping his wife, than taking a joint primary role in the parenting of the children. 

Since this help, usually only offers the mother a short reprieve from her responsibilities, she may unwittingly minimize her husband’s contribution.

 For example, a father may help to put the children to sleep, make sandwiches for lunch, and or give kids a bath. But, his wife is not likely to value that contribution as much as he does because she still feels the weight of her caretaking responsibility. The focus of the work becomes  giving the wife/mother a break from her chores as opposed to spending quality time with the kids.

What are some successful strategies for fathers to deal with these challenges?

As with many aspects of marital relationships communication is a key to helping resolve stress.  On a basic level, fathers should ask what is most helpful and mothers should show appreciation for that help, acknowledging that it is both helping her and positive paternal involvement. .

A major challenge for a father is to begin to view their own identity and self-worth as coming as much from family life as it does from accomplishments and success at work.   When asked ‘what it is that you do’, a father should develop the habit of acknowledging that you he sees himself  as a father and, not only as lawyer, investment banker or CEO. 

I heard a  good example of identifying the role of father  from  a friend of mine. He  taught school age children in South America and he told me how he successfully  got that message across to parents. . He had a child in his class who was the son of the Minister of Interior of Chile - a man of considerable public stature and political power. To focus the minister on his father role, every time my friend met the minister, he would greet him: “Hi, father of Ernesto!”

Dr Mann is a Clinical Psychologist and Certified Coach, who helps young adult males, adults in transition, and business executives achieve positive goals.  Morris.mann@gmail.com

 

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We need awe inspiring not awesome!

WE NEED TO FEEL AWE NOT AWESOME EXPERIENCES

Many people are awestruck in the presence of celebrities. These celebrities are usually movie stars or sports heroes, with great talent, looks or skill. It is an admiration for a status or ability that is exceptional.

Often people, go out of the way to seek contact with such celebrities: asking for autographs and trying to touch and shake hands with them. It is as if the important social status of the celebrity can be transferred through contact. 

But this sense of awe is really an exaggerated and often fleeting sense of admiration. It has led to the overused word awesome to describe an exciting or thrilling experience. 

 The psychologist Dacher Keltner explained that the true emotion of authentic awe has two distinct qualities: that of perceived vastness and of accommodation. 

Authentic awe happens when a person perceives something that is vast and something he cannot accommodate.  Not being able to accommodate means that it is beyond one’s ability to comprehend. It elicits fear, reverence or elevation. The experience makes a person stop in their “cognitive tracks” and feel small and powerless. 

 This authentic awe gives us a sense of wonder and realization that something much larger and more powerful than we are is “out there”.  Wonder alone is considered an emotion that people feel when perceiving something unexpected or rare.   Authentic awe is wonder with the added experience of reverence

One of the most awe inspiring experiences ever reported was the giving of the Ten Commandments at Mt Sinai.  The Bible describes the scene with powerful language and the experience resonates for us thousands of years later.

The dawn of the third day broke amid thunder and lightning that filled the air. Heavy clouds hung over the mountain and the steadily growing sounds of the Shofar made the people shake and tremble with fear. Moses led the children of Israel out of the camp and placed them at the foot of Mount Sinai, which was all covered by smoke and was quaking, for G-d had descended upon it in fire.  The sound of the Shofar grew louder, but suddenly all sounds ceased, and an absolute silence ensued; and then G-d proclaimed the Ten Commandments. (Exodus chapter 20)

Keltner also explains that in the past, the experience of awe was often socially associated with respect to a person in a position of power.    Society was hierarchal and people were more inclined to subordinate their own interests and goals to those of a powerful leader.  In such societies awe toward a leader reinforces commitment to the social hierarchies and different power status.

An example of this form of awe was exhibited by a commoner, in the presence of a king for the first time. The experience of the commoner involves a sense of being overwhelmed, because royalty falls outside their daily experience and knowledge.  It was also accompanied with a sense of reverence as the king had a power over the lives of the individual commoner. 

But our modern western world is governed by egalitarian values.  Most people in the Western world do not seek to idolize and revere any one individual and bestow them unlimited power over their lives

Perhaps the most common experience of awe for contemporary egalitarian societies is the response to phenomenon in nature.  We feel awe in response to large natural phenomenon such as mountains, vistas, storms and oceans. 

Yet with the advent of science and technology we are becoming immune to the awe inspiring potential of nature.  Three hundred years ago, a young boy may have asked his father why does an apple fall from the tree and his father would have answered that it did so because God wanted it to fall.  Today that father would say it is due to gravity.

The great philosopher Abraham Heshchel lamented that modern man falls into a trap of losing a sense of wonder because he believes science can explain all natural phenomenon.  That makes the wonder with nature into nothing more than a reflection of one's ignorance.

 "Indifference to the sublime wonder of living is the root of disenchantment with God” Heshchel

 Keltner explains that nature inspired awe involves a diminished self, and the sense of being in the presence of a higher power.   Natural beauty is vast in relation to the self, and can transcend one’s degree of understanding.

To allow ourselves to be open to this experience of awe in nature we need to leave our man made home environment.  We must leave the safety of our city and our home and expose ourselves to the vastness and overwhelming experience of nature.

Whether ocean, mountain, forest or jungle it can inspire awe in us.   To have been at the base of a rocky cliff with the breaking of huge waves, the thundering roar of massive waterfall or the vastness of a high mountain top can be awe inspiring.

Why is awe important?

Our experience of the vastness and incomprehensibility of a powerful natural event makes us feel small and insignificant.  It helps to develop our sense of humility.

 At the same time we revere the power behind it. Peter Berger, a famous sociologist of religion, has said that our connection to God is due to such experiences of awe. It reinforces our need to believe in a grand power that rules over a sense of order in our universe.  In fact, some powerful experiences of awe can change one’s life in profound and permanent ways.

By connecting with the divine presence during such experiences we are both recognizing our human limitations as well as developing a sense of security because we are connecting with that divine power

As Martin Seligman wrote:  “authentic  happiness comes from connecting with something greater than the self.”  There is nothing greater than connecting with God. 

This is ability of nature to inspire such a connection is evident in the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson after his walk in the forest:   “in the woods we return to faith. There I feel …my head bathed by the blithe air and uplifted to infinite space – all mean of egotism vanishes...I become part and parcel of God”.

Dr Mann is a Clinical Psychologist and Certified Life Coach, who helps young adult males, adults in transition, and business executives achieve positive goals.  He has offices in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. morris.mann@gmail.com

Why is Change So Difficult ?

“Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle”   Martin Luther King

People who come to me for help, often ask how long will it take? On the one hand this is a legitimate question, because a person coming for help, with a specific problem, is usually not interested in being in therapy for years.  What I think they are really asking me is “why can’t you just tell me what to do during this first session and, I’ll do exactly what you say?” 

I answer these clients by telling them that achieving real meaningful change is a process, and that process takes time. It is like any permanent change you want to make in life; whether you are going to a gym with a personal trainer, or starting a new diet with a dietician. The professional may be able to give you some advice during the first meeting, but to change habits and see a real impact you have to work over time. It takes at least 3 months to see any real change, and for lasting impact, probably much longer than that.

So why can’t change be instantaneous?

The answer lies in the two psychological processing systems that help us through everyday life:   One is can be called the automatic system and the other can be called our conscious system. .  

The automatic system takes care of most everything we do, by quickly processing familiar routines in a highly efficient manner.  In essence it makes crucial links and associations with information we have already learned and know, and allows us to function effortlessly and almost mindlessly.  As an example, just think of your daily morning routine:  You don’t need to put much thought into how to tie your shoes, how to cook your egg for breakfast or even how to drive to work.  You do these things, and many others, automatically or mindlessly.

Your conscious processing on the other hand, with a lot of effort, focuses in depth on only one thing at a time and. That effort is necessary because, we need and use it to help us manage unfamiliar and challenging situations.  Our conscious thought can plan, reason and in other ways, figure out sensible answers to help us deal with the unknown.  But this conscious system takes up so much of our energy and focus, that we can do only one thing at a time. So while it is flexible in adapting to change, it is not very efficient, as it needs constant heightened attention.

An example of how these two processing capacities function can be understood by thinking of how we write on a keyboard.  If you have learned to type, it is your autonomic system that is gliding your fingers through the keyboard. If though the sequence of letters was changed, you would have to switch to using your conscious processing to type.   With your conscious processing taking over, you could again successfully type but only with extreme effort and concentration, and even then probably at a greatly reduced speed.   It is only after long practice that you become adept at gliding over the keyboard, and allowing your effortless efficient automatic system to take over. .

These same two systems apply to changing habits and emotional behavior. Our responses to the stress of performance, to disappointments or to large social gatherings, are ingrained in our automatic system. We have automatic responses and if we want to change them it takes a serious, time consuming, conscious effort.  Until you have mastered a new way of reacting you are likely to fall back to the old automatic systems bad habit. 

While this understanding of the nature of change is relevant for work and expectations in therapy, it is also an important lesson to keep in mind as a parent or a manager. Do not expect your children, your business direct reports or your team members to “listen to you” and change their habits immediately.  You need to be consistent and repeat the message over and over again, while at the same time making them accountable in some way. That will help you see real long term change. 

 

 

The Happiness Challenge

 

People grow accustomed to positive change and improved circumstances.   A raise in salary will make you happy for a while, but then you grow accustomed to that new bigger paycheck, and it no longer makes happy. 

This is often referred to as the “hedonic treadmill”: that we enjoy a pleasure or a happy event, for a limited period of time and then adjust to it and end up in the same place emotionally, as we were before the new event. The most famous case of this phenomenon is that of lottery winners, who typically are no happier a year later than people who had not won anything.

Studies have shown that this adjustment is made more frequently for positive and happy events than negative events.  Positive experiences wear off faster.   If you suffer a major injury, loss a lot of money or even have an argument with a friend it is likely to linger longer than a positive experience. .

But, wouldn’t the world be more pleasant and wouldn’t we be better off if we could get over bad things rapidly and allow good feelings to linger for a long time.

Unfortunately the reality is the other way around.

A benefit of this natural condition of ours is that it helps contribute to our progress and development.   Adjusting to positive change means that we begin to seek greater improvement. In fields of innovation we are continuously seeking better options for health care, nutrition, educational methods, scientific advancement and efficiency of work systems.  We are looking to do better. 

One way to deal with this challenge is to pursue and appreciate small changes for the better.  Don’t only wait for some major success or big windfall.   It is better to have gradual improvements in life rather than making one big jump. 

The necessary balance to this striving for improvement and maintaining happiness, is to practice gratitude and appreciation. This is a gratitude for present conditions which does not eliminate need for more.

While this is an important principle that effects our reactions to accomplishments and acquisitions, it can also apply to our loving relationships too!  If you are not careful you can too easily take for granted your relationship with a loved one and it too will lead to a reduced feeling of happiness.

The solution is the same. Just as with accomplishments, appreciate the little things about your relationship and it will help grow and sustain your personal authentic happiness.

LEADERSHIP and SUCCESS

 “I don’t want any yes men around me, I want everyone to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs”   Samuel Goldwyn.

George Steinbrenner died yesterday: Tuesday July 14^th. I was never a fan of his. In fact I have been a Mets fan who rejected his bullying tactics and bravado – though I would have been happier if the Mets had the same level of success as the Yankees.

I listened to players, coaches and media speak about him with curiosity.   Aside from his drive to succeed at all costs, was there anything positive they could say about him?

I was struck by the following theme.   Time and again, people said he preferred having people stand up to him.

Whether it was Michael Kay the sports writer, Don Mattlingly his player or Gene Michael his general manager, they all told similar stories.

It was a story, in which George was highly critical of them, and they argued back with him and in some cases they were yelling back and forth.

In each case they thought they would be fired or traded the next day, only to find out that their relationship with him improved for the better as he supported them and gave them respect.

The lessons from such a management style are significant both for leaders and for organizations.

If you are running an organization (business, school, team etc) developing ‘yes men’, that is, developing people who only agree with you all the time, though good for pumping up your ego, does nothing for them or the company.  Having people who will stand up for their opinion, strengthens both you as the leader and the organization as a whole. 

If you leading leader and you do not hear dissenting or even critical opinions from those around you, be wary.

You should actually encourage positive creative dissent!

 

IS BEING GOOD and COMPASSIONATE PART OF HUMAN NATURE ?

I enjoy “feel good” movies in which the guy gets the girl at the end.  I enjoy movies as being entertaining and sometimes inspiring, not though, as educational.

 

But, watching a re-run of the classic move Groundhog Day made me reflect on the question of goodness and human nature.

 

The main character, Phil Connor is a television reporter who is depicted as arrogant and selfish.  This day he feels belittled by the petty assignment in a small town and is disrespectful to his crew and the people in the town.   

 

What happens next is that he relives this same day over and over again. As a result he comes to two realizations. At first he realizes that no matter what he does there are no consequences to his actions, because no matter what happens, he will anyway wake up and it will be the same day again. This makes him terribly frustrated. He takes out that frustration by becoming annoyed with everyone.  He then realizes that he can be self indulgent. He can drink and eat without limit, and even drive off a cliff, and the next day he will be back in the same place and same reality.  This allows him to take advantage and indulge in physical pleasure and thrills. 

 

His second realization is that since he knows exactly what will happen throughout this repeated day, while others do not, he is in a position of power.  This motivates him to take advantage of people. He robs a Brinks truck and manipulates the best looking woman in town to sex.

 

After this stage of manipulating people, something remarkable happens to him. He discovers that he feels better about himself by helping other people.  He then begins to use his knowledge advantage to do good for others. He gives money, saves someone’s life and, caters to his TV crew and falls in love with his woman producer. 

 

Is such a transition possible or is it only a fantasy for a movie?

 

In some way this transition from self indulgence to manipulation and then compassion and giving, can be viewed as a transition through stages of life.  At a young age we are inclined to focus on our personal needs, and as we age we learn to reflect on life and use our knowledge for the good of those we care about.

 

But, is that a natural progression for all people?  Can we find a way to encourage compassion and goodness at younger ages?

 

Is goodness and compassion part of our nature and how can we facilitate and encourage it?

 

 

SUCCESS DEPENDS ON YOUR MINDSET

“Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration!”  Thomas Edison

 

All of us are familiar with this famous quote.  We know we have to work hard to achieve success. But what can help motivate us to work hard?

 

Carol Dweck claims the answer is having the right mindset. In her book “Mindset – The Psychology of Success” she explained that there are two types of people: those with a ‘fixed mindset’ and those with a ‘growth mindset’.

 

People with a “fixed mindset” believe that their talents and abilities are fixed traits. They have a certain amount and nothing can be done to change it. When people adopt the fixed mindset, it can limit their success. They become over-concerned with proving their talents and abilities, hiding deficiencies, and reacting defensively to mistakes

People with a “growth mindset” believe that their talents and abilities can be developed. It's about taking informed risks and learning from the results, surrounding themselves with people who are able to challenge them to grow, and looking at their deficiencies and seeking to remedy them.

 

Dweck has also found that managers with a growth mindset believe in other people's growth too. These managers promote and recognize improvement in their team. On the other hand, managers with a fixed mindset do not believe people can change significantly and say to themselves “what's the use in coaching employees - they either have it or they don't.” It would seem true that  such attitudes neither benefits the mangers or those they manage.

Having a growth mindset helps all of us working with people, whether as parents, teachers, coaches or managers. 

 

Peter Heslin has developed workshops that effectively help people learn how to change their mindset. It starts with showing them scientific evidence of brain change and growth and then trains people with the use of effective exercises.  The exercises are mentioned in the following interview and you can try them and test their effectiveness.

http://www.managementsite.com/501/Interview-Personal-effectiveness-The-growth-mindset.aspx

If you aim for success make sure to develop your growth mindset, it will help you and those you work with.

 

 

SPIRITUALITY and RELIGIOUS CHALLENGE TODAY

Recent surveys of religion in USA indicate that people’s affiliation with religion is becoming more diverse and fluid.  More than 40% of American adults have left the faith in which they were raised, in favor of another religion or no religion at all.  And the percentage of young people under the age of 30 who identifying themselves as unaffiliated with any religion has reached 25%.

Some explanations for these changes are the breakdown of community, the travel and transient demands of work and the emphasis on individuality in Western culture.

This reality presents challenges for us parents and lay leaders in religious communities.  .

Isaac was a student of mine. His spiritual journey reflects that challenge.   He grew up in a Jewish religiously conservative environment and culture in which holidays were celebrated.  But, nothing ever inspired him to pursue a religious lifestyle.  He felt a lack of spontaneity and connection to God within the confines of his native city temple and religious service.

It was during a summer in college that he decided to join a 10 week cross country Jewish ecological tour.  It took no longer than the first morning of the trip which was leaving from the mountains of Mr. Rainer in Washington, for him to be moved spiritually.

He described that moment as the first time he felt God’s presence as being tangible.  As he rode home looking over the cascade of mountains, he felt he could now connect to the words of Psalms with the new awe he now felt in the presence of God’s world

Since then Isaac has sought out religious experiences that were meaningful and spiritual.  These included: teaching Jewish texts on an organic farm, joining religious chanting groups and coming to Jerusalem to study.

There is a wonder and beauty in an individual like Isaac finding the meaningful channel to nurture his personal yearning and connection with God.

The problem is that spirituality and relationship with God is not exclusively a personal experience.  By nature we are drawn to share our spiritual yearnings in a community of like minded people.  Isaac is searching for that community.

The challenge for those of us, adults and parents, affiliated with traditional religious communities, is to allow our children to search for their personal spiritual connection.  It is a search we should encourage while simultaneously identifying opportunities to include them in our broader community.

 

 

Parenting Challenges and the Internet

This post reflects some of the topics that came up at parenting workshop I gave.

The most effective parents are those who see themselves as the primary educators of their children. But it is becoming more challenging for parents to do that successfully.

Thirty years ago, Neil Postman explained how electronic media was changing the nature of education for children. By passing on information visually rather than through written word, it was causing a breakdown of barriers between children and adults. In his book “The Disappearance of Childhood”, he explained how television and movies were reducing, and in some cases eliminating, the need for reading and standardized learning formats.

The internet and You Tube today has made that argument even more powerful.  Children can learn about the world instantaneously.   Whether you want to learn how to bake or how  to fly an airplane, it can be accessed on you tube.   Check it out yourself.

The internet, YouTube, twitter and Face book have become part of our children’s culture and knowledge base of information.   There is little we can teach our children that they cannot access on Wikipedia or through Google on the net.

That makes being an educator parent difficult.   Also getting in the way of our role as educators is the rapid pace of technological advancement. Our children are much more aware and familiar with every new device and application that comes to market.   It makes them into experts in areas their parents are not. 

One way of combating this parenting challenge is to focus our educational efforts into teaching our children values and ethics about how to lead their lives.   It is a focus on teaching them to be better people.  It means educating for a life of spiritual commitment and values of generosity, empathy, self sacrifice and responsibility for greater good. .

The first step to this education is to remember we are primary role models.

In addition, it has been proven that having a family meal on a daily basis has a powerful positive impact.  It is during such a meal, in which phones and all print and electronic media are turned off, that parents and children can connect and listen to each other.  It is during such a meal that as parents we impart lessons about values, ethics and  commitment in a supportive and non-judgmental manner.

 

 

FATHERS NEED APPRECIATION TOO

In honor of Father’s Day, the NY Times ran an article “Now Dad feels as stressed out as Mom”. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/weekinreview/20parkerpope.html

The author claims that fathers are struggling just as much or even more than mothers to fulfill their responsibilities at home and in the office

Even in dual career families men remain the primary breadwinner.  When a father has the desire to spend more time with his children, work is reluctant to give him necessary time flexibility. Taking time to be with kids is discouraged and viewed as   compromising his work commitment.    

When men do contribute to child care at home, studies have found that mothers do not value their husband’s contribution enough.  

A father can  help to put children to sleep, make sandwiches for lunch, or give kids a bath. But, his wife is not likely to value that contribution as much as he does.

Therefore, men have both stresses at work and at home.

Work related stress varies between industries and choosing a corporate culture supporting fathers can be done prior to accepting a job.   

 The home stress results from the expectations related to the primary family roles.  With father as primary breadwinner, mother often assumes the role of primary caregiver.  This includes the physical and emotional care of the children and most often the upkeep of the household as well.  

Therefore, when a man helps he is entering her domain of primary responsibility. Often when he spends time caring for children  there is a sense that he is helping his wife.  Since a mother only gets short reprieves from those responsibilities she often feels her husband’s contribution is minimal, or certainly less significant than he thinks it is. 

A helpful suggestion is for father to take on primary responsibility for a period of time, with mother being out of the house. This can be at night or on a weekend.

Just as men must acknowledge their wives hard child caring work, a wife must communicate appreciation for what their husband is doing as a father.

 Jennifer Davis made the distinction between being a father and being a daddy.  Anyone can be a father she wrote, but being a daddy is something special to appreciate

I would suggest you read the beautiful essay she wrote on father’s day for a moving expression of appreciation for daddys.  http://www.jennifervdavis.com/?p=583

Why Pride in Community is Important fo Us

Sports writers in Cleveland are writing articles claiming that if Lebron James chooses to play for another NBA team in another city it will be a major blow to the psyche of the city of Cleveland.  It will reinforce the poor self image the city has of being second rate.

Can a city have a psyche and self esteem?

The psychological concept of psyche and self image is most often associated with individuals.  I prefer to describe it in positive terms as having authentic pride.   A person with authentic pride has a strong sense of their ability, based on their positive accomplishments.

In the Western world, individual pride has become an admired trait of a successful individual.  Such a person is someone who takes on challenges and succeeds, and therefore has reason to feel proud.

Too often we only experience a group collective pride during sports events, whether it is the Olympics, the World Cup or other national events we identify with our countrymen and are prroud when they are successful  and victorious. 

Eastern countries where collective experiences are more valued than individual experiences, don’t need sporting events to inspire community pride. In daily life community pride takes precedence over individual pride. People’s identity, and therefore their pride, is routinely connected to their local town, community or city. 

In our Western world where individual identity is emphasized, the affiliation with the community is considered important for its social support.  It is helpful during stressful times and enriching, when sharing and celebrating life events.

But, I believe, community affiliation can also give us a sense of pride.

As a Sephardic Syrian Jew in Brooklyn, I grew up in such a community.  Individuals who may not have had great talents or accomplishments gained a sense of pride in being a part of that community. It gave us strength to go out in the world, and take on challenges that we may not have had the confidence to do on our own.

As parents we need to be conscious of that for our children.  What community do we identify with and want our kids to identify with?

 Finding a community to be proud of helps our children gain additional confidence and pride, which ultimately helps them go out and succeed in the world.

 

FATHERS, MOTHERS AND PARENTING

“I cannot think of a need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection” Sigmund Freund

This Sunday is Father’s day across America.

It’s no surprise that having fathers around is in the best interests of children’s emotional as well as physical health.  Historical studies document that fact. Their primary, not exclusive, responsibility is different than a mother’s.

As a faithful Bible reader, I believe this model for mothers and fathers originates in the third chapter of Genesis in which   God tell s Eve in the Garden of Eden: “your  desire will be for your husband and he shall rule over you. “   

Woman’s desire for a husband is the female inclination to value monogamous heterosexual relationships more than men.  It is a reflection of a higher premium women place on human relationships, which is in the best interests of children and family.

During the past thousands of years, women were faced with the challenge of attracting males and encouraging them to maintain a monogamous relationship.  That insured greater safety and regular sustenance for the family.   Women’s greater skill in nurturing and caring for children required her to focus on that task, and have a male partner providing and protecting her and the children.

Despite the modern women’s movement belief that men and women are psychologically indistinguishable I think that the reality of caring for children and providing for the family has adjusted those roles but not changed them fundamentally. When taking responsibility for a family, just like a business or a sports team, it is important to have defined roles with primary responsibilities. 

 For a woman to maximize her potential in the role of nurturing parent she is dependent on a supportive male.  Without adequate male support the emotional security and physical sustenance are weakened and stresses increase.

For a male to embrace the role of father, and not just provider, takes an investment of time and a lot of learning.  Some tips include: spending positive quality  time with your children;  disciplining with love;   being  a positive role model;  be a teacher;  listen before you speak;  and make time to eat as a family.   

The best father is one with a loving relationship with his wife.  And children thrive when mother and father respect and value each other’s importance as parents.

Koufax, Heroes and Standing Up

Sandy Koufax got a lot of media coverage for his participation in the  White House Jewish heritage month celebration.  It made me consider how one defining moment in your life can make you into a hero.  For Koufax, at the pinnacle of his baseball pitching career, it happened when he excused himself from play, in the first game of the World Series, because the game was scheduled on the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur.

He is not a hero in the classic sense, putting oneself in danger to save another. Rather he is a hero because he took a stand for his religious beliefs and principles.   It was heralded and noteworthy because even though he was one of the greatest sports figures of his day,  missing the game could have had a negative impact on both himself and his team. 

Standing up for what you believe implies that it comes with a cost.

 It is most often recognized in famous political and religious leaders.  Examples of such ethical giants are Eli Wiesel, Natan Sharansky, Rev Martin Luther King, Vaclev Havel and Gandhi; all spoke up for what they believed was right, no matter what the personal consequences.

It is easier for us to identify with Koufax than with those ethical giants.  Koufax was not a public figure because of his values.  His stand was a private piece of who he was and how he defined himself.

That is what happened with the adopted parents of Michael Oher in the movie Blind Side.  His adopted mother, Leigh Anne Touhey, was an open minded compassionate southern Baptist woman who withstood friends mocking her efforts at adopting a poor, uneducated black boy.  Leigh Anne did not do it for public recognition or to be highlighted in a movie, rather she did it  because that is who she is and that is how she believes one must lead one’s life whatever the consequences. Public recognition came later.

Our challenge is to identify what values we hold dear and for which we are willing to make our stand. For what or when did we  stand up without fear of ridicule or without concern for financial loss?. It is those moments that define us.

It can be when we adopt a foster child, challenge prejudice  at school or workplace, reach out to a stranger or defend an unpopular position in the audience of friends.  Try to think of the last time you stood up for something.

“Stand up for what you believe in even if you are standing alone”.  Anonymous