Applied Wisdom

SCIENCE and QUALITY OF LIFE

Leon Kass is a professor of ethics at University of Chicago and a former head of the President’s commission on “Bio-ethics”.  He is concerned that the biotechnological revolution offers seductive promises of a perfect “other than human” future in which we shall be as gods, ageless and blissful.

The following is an excerpt from an article he wrote about the limitations of science to contribute to a better quality of life.  It is a brief introduction.

 The new scientism neglects the ethical and spiritual aspects of the human animal.  For we alone among the animals go in for ethicizing, in concerning ourselves with how to live. We alone among the animals ask not only “What can I know”, but also “what I ought to do?”  What may I hope?” These are the great longings of the human soul which science does not satisfy.

 Science by design is notoriously morally neutral.  It is silent regarding the distinction between better and worse, right and wrong and the noble and the base. 

…..It can offer no standards to guide the use of the awesome powers it places in human hands. Though it seeks universal knowledge, it has no answer to moral relativism.  IT know not what charity is, what charity requires, or even whether and why it is good. “

DEATH and LIFE SIGNIFICANCE

Ernest Becker wrote "What is of paramount importance, what man really fears is not so much extinction but extinction with insignificance"

Often we find significance in our connection to generations of family. Some African cultures have two words for dead. One is simply dead, while the other means "really dead".  In the first instance the person has died, but there are those still alive who remember her. The second meaning is ta the person has been lost to living memory.

You may live as long as your grandchildren remember.   What if there are no grandchhildren or if now the grandchildren have grandchildren?  When there is no one to remember you, have you finally come to an end?

Let us use such wisdom to lead a life of meaning, purpose and significance.

Why is Change So Difficult ?

“Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle”   Martin Luther King

People who come to me for help, often ask how long will it take? On the one hand this is a legitimate question, because a person coming for help, with a specific problem, is usually not interested in being in therapy for years.  What I think they are really asking me is “why can’t you just tell me what to do during this first session and, I’ll do exactly what you say?” 

I answer these clients by telling them that achieving real meaningful change is a process, and that process takes time. It is like any permanent change you want to make in life; whether you are going to a gym with a personal trainer, or starting a new diet with a dietician. The professional may be able to give you some advice during the first meeting, but to change habits and see a real impact you have to work over time. It takes at least 3 months to see any real change, and for lasting impact, probably much longer than that.

So why can’t change be instantaneous?

The answer lies in the two psychological processing systems that help us through everyday life:   One is can be called the automatic system and the other can be called our conscious system. .  

The automatic system takes care of most everything we do, by quickly processing familiar routines in a highly efficient manner.  In essence it makes crucial links and associations with information we have already learned and know, and allows us to function effortlessly and almost mindlessly.  As an example, just think of your daily morning routine:  You don’t need to put much thought into how to tie your shoes, how to cook your egg for breakfast or even how to drive to work.  You do these things, and many others, automatically or mindlessly.

Your conscious processing on the other hand, with a lot of effort, focuses in depth on only one thing at a time and. That effort is necessary because, we need and use it to help us manage unfamiliar and challenging situations.  Our conscious thought can plan, reason and in other ways, figure out sensible answers to help us deal with the unknown.  But this conscious system takes up so much of our energy and focus, that we can do only one thing at a time. So while it is flexible in adapting to change, it is not very efficient, as it needs constant heightened attention.

An example of how these two processing capacities function can be understood by thinking of how we write on a keyboard.  If you have learned to type, it is your autonomic system that is gliding your fingers through the keyboard. If though the sequence of letters was changed, you would have to switch to using your conscious processing to type.   With your conscious processing taking over, you could again successfully type but only with extreme effort and concentration, and even then probably at a greatly reduced speed.   It is only after long practice that you become adept at gliding over the keyboard, and allowing your effortless efficient automatic system to take over. .

These same two systems apply to changing habits and emotional behavior. Our responses to the stress of performance, to disappointments or to large social gatherings, are ingrained in our automatic system. We have automatic responses and if we want to change them it takes a serious, time consuming, conscious effort.  Until you have mastered a new way of reacting you are likely to fall back to the old automatic systems bad habit. 

While this understanding of the nature of change is relevant for work and expectations in therapy, it is also an important lesson to keep in mind as a parent or a manager. Do not expect your children, your business direct reports or your team members to “listen to you” and change their habits immediately.  You need to be consistent and repeat the message over and over again, while at the same time making them accountable in some way. That will help you see real long term change. 

 

 

The Happiness Challenge

 

People grow accustomed to positive change and improved circumstances.   A raise in salary will make you happy for a while, but then you grow accustomed to that new bigger paycheck, and it no longer makes happy. 

This is often referred to as the “hedonic treadmill”: that we enjoy a pleasure or a happy event, for a limited period of time and then adjust to it and end up in the same place emotionally, as we were before the new event. The most famous case of this phenomenon is that of lottery winners, who typically are no happier a year later than people who had not won anything.

Studies have shown that this adjustment is made more frequently for positive and happy events than negative events.  Positive experiences wear off faster.   If you suffer a major injury, loss a lot of money or even have an argument with a friend it is likely to linger longer than a positive experience. .

But, wouldn’t the world be more pleasant and wouldn’t we be better off if we could get over bad things rapidly and allow good feelings to linger for a long time.

Unfortunately the reality is the other way around.

A benefit of this natural condition of ours is that it helps contribute to our progress and development.   Adjusting to positive change means that we begin to seek greater improvement. In fields of innovation we are continuously seeking better options for health care, nutrition, educational methods, scientific advancement and efficiency of work systems.  We are looking to do better. 

One way to deal with this challenge is to pursue and appreciate small changes for the better.  Don’t only wait for some major success or big windfall.   It is better to have gradual improvements in life rather than making one big jump. 

The necessary balance to this striving for improvement and maintaining happiness, is to practice gratitude and appreciation. This is a gratitude for present conditions which does not eliminate need for more.

While this is an important principle that effects our reactions to accomplishments and acquisitions, it can also apply to our loving relationships too!  If you are not careful you can too easily take for granted your relationship with a loved one and it too will lead to a reduced feeling of happiness.

The solution is the same. Just as with accomplishments, appreciate the little things about your relationship and it will help grow and sustain your personal authentic happiness.

Developing Compassion

I have wondered in a prior blog about whether compassion and goodness came naturally to people?

Scientists have been able to identify biological and neurological, repression of compassion. Researchers have demonstrated that the brain region related to positive emotions is stimulated when mothers look at pictures of their babies.

In another study people’s brain activity was measured when they were helping others and found that the anterior brain areas that are stimulated during pleasurable activities are stimulated when we were helping others.

Other researchers found that the hormone oxytocin is secreted during experiences that elicit compassion or bonding. Examples of this are: by mothers during breast feeding and when watching inspiring movie.

Feeling compassion is one thing, but acting on it is altogether something else. Does compassion promote altruistic behavior?

D Keltner, editor  of the Greater Good magazine,  claims that high levels of empathy and compassion do contribute to altruistic behavior.   A simple example: since babies often elicit compassionate responses, people are more likely to return a lost wallet if there is a picture of a baby in it than if not.

That may be true of those people with high levels of compassion, but how do we develop it?

The Bible has taught us that man is not inherently good. In the Biblical story of Noah God makes a covenant with man based on the fact that man is ruled by his s evil inclination. If this biblical wisdom teaches us that man has an inclination to s selfishness and greed which can lead evil acts, then we need to know how to develop compassion.

Keltner suggests that parents can make a difference.  Parents can develop empathy by making sure their children think about the consequences of their actions and how those actions may impact other people. 

 This type of parenting helps develop an appreciation of other people’s feelings and a willingness to correct a wrong and over time lead to more altruistic behavior.

 

FATHERS NEED APPRECIATION TOO

In honor of Father’s Day, the NY Times ran an article “Now Dad feels as stressed out as Mom”. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/weekinreview/20parkerpope.html

The author claims that fathers are struggling just as much or even more than mothers to fulfill their responsibilities at home and in the office

Even in dual career families men remain the primary breadwinner.  When a father has the desire to spend more time with his children, work is reluctant to give him necessary time flexibility. Taking time to be with kids is discouraged and viewed as   compromising his work commitment.    

When men do contribute to child care at home, studies have found that mothers do not value their husband’s contribution enough.  

A father can  help to put children to sleep, make sandwiches for lunch, or give kids a bath. But, his wife is not likely to value that contribution as much as he does.

Therefore, men have both stresses at work and at home.

Work related stress varies between industries and choosing a corporate culture supporting fathers can be done prior to accepting a job.   

 The home stress results from the expectations related to the primary family roles.  With father as primary breadwinner, mother often assumes the role of primary caregiver.  This includes the physical and emotional care of the children and most often the upkeep of the household as well.  

Therefore, when a man helps he is entering her domain of primary responsibility. Often when he spends time caring for children  there is a sense that he is helping his wife.  Since a mother only gets short reprieves from those responsibilities she often feels her husband’s contribution is minimal, or certainly less significant than he thinks it is. 

A helpful suggestion is for father to take on primary responsibility for a period of time, with mother being out of the house. This can be at night or on a weekend.

Just as men must acknowledge their wives hard child caring work, a wife must communicate appreciation for what their husband is doing as a father.

 Jennifer Davis made the distinction between being a father and being a daddy.  Anyone can be a father she wrote, but being a daddy is something special to appreciate

I would suggest you read the beautiful essay she wrote on father’s day for a moving expression of appreciation for daddys.  http://www.jennifervdavis.com/?p=583

Why Pride in Community is Important fo Us

Sports writers in Cleveland are writing articles claiming that if Lebron James chooses to play for another NBA team in another city it will be a major blow to the psyche of the city of Cleveland.  It will reinforce the poor self image the city has of being second rate.

Can a city have a psyche and self esteem?

The psychological concept of psyche and self image is most often associated with individuals.  I prefer to describe it in positive terms as having authentic pride.   A person with authentic pride has a strong sense of their ability, based on their positive accomplishments.

In the Western world, individual pride has become an admired trait of a successful individual.  Such a person is someone who takes on challenges and succeeds, and therefore has reason to feel proud.

Too often we only experience a group collective pride during sports events, whether it is the Olympics, the World Cup or other national events we identify with our countrymen and are prroud when they are successful  and victorious. 

Eastern countries where collective experiences are more valued than individual experiences, don’t need sporting events to inspire community pride. In daily life community pride takes precedence over individual pride. People’s identity, and therefore their pride, is routinely connected to their local town, community or city. 

In our Western world where individual identity is emphasized, the affiliation with the community is considered important for its social support.  It is helpful during stressful times and enriching, when sharing and celebrating life events.

But, I believe, community affiliation can also give us a sense of pride.

As a Sephardic Syrian Jew in Brooklyn, I grew up in such a community.  Individuals who may not have had great talents or accomplishments gained a sense of pride in being a part of that community. It gave us strength to go out in the world, and take on challenges that we may not have had the confidence to do on our own.

As parents we need to be conscious of that for our children.  What community do we identify with and want our kids to identify with?

 Finding a community to be proud of helps our children gain additional confidence and pride, which ultimately helps them go out and succeed in the world.

 

FATHERS, MOTHERS AND PARENTING

“I cannot think of a need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection” Sigmund Freund

This Sunday is Father’s day across America.

It’s no surprise that having fathers around is in the best interests of children’s emotional as well as physical health.  Historical studies document that fact. Their primary, not exclusive, responsibility is different than a mother’s.

As a faithful Bible reader, I believe this model for mothers and fathers originates in the third chapter of Genesis in which   God tell s Eve in the Garden of Eden: “your  desire will be for your husband and he shall rule over you. “   

Woman’s desire for a husband is the female inclination to value monogamous heterosexual relationships more than men.  It is a reflection of a higher premium women place on human relationships, which is in the best interests of children and family.

During the past thousands of years, women were faced with the challenge of attracting males and encouraging them to maintain a monogamous relationship.  That insured greater safety and regular sustenance for the family.   Women’s greater skill in nurturing and caring for children required her to focus on that task, and have a male partner providing and protecting her and the children.

Despite the modern women’s movement belief that men and women are psychologically indistinguishable I think that the reality of caring for children and providing for the family has adjusted those roles but not changed them fundamentally. When taking responsibility for a family, just like a business or a sports team, it is important to have defined roles with primary responsibilities. 

 For a woman to maximize her potential in the role of nurturing parent she is dependent on a supportive male.  Without adequate male support the emotional security and physical sustenance are weakened and stresses increase.

For a male to embrace the role of father, and not just provider, takes an investment of time and a lot of learning.  Some tips include: spending positive quality  time with your children;  disciplining with love;   being  a positive role model;  be a teacher;  listen before you speak;  and make time to eat as a family.   

The best father is one with a loving relationship with his wife.  And children thrive when mother and father respect and value each other’s importance as parents.

Koufax, Heroes and Standing Up

Sandy Koufax got a lot of media coverage for his participation in the  White House Jewish heritage month celebration.  It made me consider how one defining moment in your life can make you into a hero.  For Koufax, at the pinnacle of his baseball pitching career, it happened when he excused himself from play, in the first game of the World Series, because the game was scheduled on the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur.

He is not a hero in the classic sense, putting oneself in danger to save another. Rather he is a hero because he took a stand for his religious beliefs and principles.   It was heralded and noteworthy because even though he was one of the greatest sports figures of his day,  missing the game could have had a negative impact on both himself and his team. 

Standing up for what you believe implies that it comes with a cost.

 It is most often recognized in famous political and religious leaders.  Examples of such ethical giants are Eli Wiesel, Natan Sharansky, Rev Martin Luther King, Vaclev Havel and Gandhi; all spoke up for what they believed was right, no matter what the personal consequences.

It is easier for us to identify with Koufax than with those ethical giants.  Koufax was not a public figure because of his values.  His stand was a private piece of who he was and how he defined himself.

That is what happened with the adopted parents of Michael Oher in the movie Blind Side.  His adopted mother, Leigh Anne Touhey, was an open minded compassionate southern Baptist woman who withstood friends mocking her efforts at adopting a poor, uneducated black boy.  Leigh Anne did not do it for public recognition or to be highlighted in a movie, rather she did it  because that is who she is and that is how she believes one must lead one’s life whatever the consequences. Public recognition came later.

Our challenge is to identify what values we hold dear and for which we are willing to make our stand. For what or when did we  stand up without fear of ridicule or without concern for financial loss?. It is those moments that define us.

It can be when we adopt a foster child, challenge prejudice  at school or workplace, reach out to a stranger or defend an unpopular position in the audience of friends.  Try to think of the last time you stood up for something.

“Stand up for what you believe in even if you are standing alone”.  Anonymous